Edo's Journey 6 - Lust
Forgive me Abadar, for I’m at a crossroads. The past few nights have been weighing heavily on my mind, and are challenging my morals greatly. I wish I could receive some sort of sign from you to help guide my hand. I would ask Balbas, but I feel that his answers may not guide me through the correct and very devout path I must walk as a Paladin. I did not get a chance to discuss this type of situation with Dhalhria either, as I only saw her as a master, and not as a potential wife.
I’m up all night thinking about what to do about Mitzy. During our travels, we came across some dire creatures indeed. Foul plants that control the corpses of it’s victims and using a chemical that effects the mind to allow it to feed. Both her and I were at its mercy, and by calling upon your strength did I manage to break free and narrowly save her from being a slave to that plant. She must have asked who saved her, or someone revealed that I was the one to rescue her and she had gotten attached to me.
First it was simply a thanks for the rescue, nothing that I needed to hear as I assured her any of us would have done the same. I’m not so naive to think it true, but in order to make it true you must lead by example. Then the second part came and I was at a lost of action. She wished to stay in my tent. A night I thought was not bad, maybe she was trying to allow me the opportunity to take a reward from her. I remember that my old life that it was not uncommon with the people I ran with. I remember a girl that was with me near the end, actually Abadar I can’t remember her face. Why can’t I remember her face still, or her name for that matter? Well, no matter as I allowed her to sleep for comfort and did not take of her any reward. She seemed to take comfort in that, and sleep soundly.
After that, she began to visit nightly. This is where I need help, as she still states that her confidence is shaken and would feel better together. In our journey, we all need to have our wits about us, so I do not mind but I feel like something is lost above me. I do not know if she will ever get that confidence back, or is she thinking that something more is going to happen? I personally had eyes on Mags myself, a nice wholesome woman with a good head on her shoulders, but I know she is wise and has probably already formed an opinion of what is going on in my tent at night.
I tried two different ways to restore her confidence. First, I figured I would train with her and allow our battles to build up her fighting spirit again. After one session, I realized that I could not handle many if any more of those, and realize that she fights well enough that I have no doubt she will be returning the favor of rescue soon enough. It seemed to help some, but she was back the next night. My next tactic was information, which also backfired spectacularly. I went to Jessyca since they seem to know each other well and asked for some help on dealing with Mitzy. At first she claimed to not really see Mitzy acting strange, and then became quite jealous of her. She claimed that they were a couple and that only together would I get Mitzy. As much as I would have jumped on such an arrangement long ago, it is a quick way into losing sight of my greater goals. I tried to tell her that I was not interested, and probably not doing a very convincing job of it, and probably left more red than Archibald’s face after a days walk. I can only imagine what Jessyca is thinking now.
After that, I tried to talk to Mitzy a bit during our last few jungle nights, which also proved fruitless. She claims that she just needs to regain her confidence, and is still willing to take our arrangements to the next level. I know for sure that she is not telling me the full story. I only wish I could get it from her, so I can figure out what to do next. I do not see her as wife material, as she seems to make rash decisions and is quick to violence, which as a paladin I do not wish to be a part of. I still do not trust myself, and she may make it too easy to fall from the light. I do not wish to take her as a play thing either, as fun as they may be, as I know you and Jessyca would have my hide.
I still think of Maggy, but these last few nights have given me a sudden insight. I feel like I am trying to cling to a good, strong, woman to help me stay on my own path. I would be using her as a crutch to hold me up and keep me from falling towards my old self. I now understand that if I’m going to grow as a paladin, I cannot use others to keep me strong. It is my job to lead as an example to allow others to be strong. As much as it pains me, I need to set my feelings for Maggy aside until I can walk my own path. That time learning how to ride The Avatar will have to be our memory for now. Maybe in the future she will still be there for me.
I still do not know what to do with Mitzy, but I’m glad I was able to take some time to sort out some thoughts. Abadar, I will show you that I am worthy of the redemption that you have shown me, and will keep watch over this caravan and help where I can. It seems like right now, it is Mitzy I will lend my aid. Maybe she can open up to me someday to allow me to truly give her that confidence she needs.
So it is judged, Abadar.